I went to the edge and looked over at the darkness of my sickness. I admitted I could no longer survive on my own..gave up control and cried in frustration. The pain tore into my core and I was fearful of the consequences I faced if I did not get help.
I was in crisis.
I voluntarily admitted myself. It was strange to be on the opposite side of the locking door having worked a psych ward before. I was embarrassed to be in the position of patient. I quickly got over that. I allowed myself to feel the full weight of being bipolar and I survived. Each day was better. Each day was another layer of dankness lifting. Day four arrived and I was released. I came home cautiously. I faced a new work week and the realization I should have stayed that few days longer. It was safe but I had to regain my control again.
Taking an hour at a time now…each day feeling stronger and alive again.
It is too easy to neglect yourself and others with this disease. I say others because I find myself retreating into my own shell and affecting those around me with my silence. What is frustrating is that I really am not doing it intentially or even consciously. My mind literally goes blank. I live in the now and do not imagine the future. I do not process events. I am void.
Being this way is not new, so I can’t blame it on the medication side effects. I have periods of high brain activity and ideas seem to come. I feel good about the present and dream of the future.
I had time today to sit and read a book about living with bipolar disorder while I was waiting for my car to be repaired (love the Barnes and Noble!). As of late, I have zero patience with myself during this process of medication changes and moods. I desire the quick fix–to feel better as soon as possible and get on with life. It seems as though I let life pass me while going through the illness. Instead of battling back with skill, I allow myself to wallow in the muck.
I see now that the wallowing only makes dealing with bipolar more difficult. I unknowingly give up my control. Time to empower myself. Time to realize that I am not the disease….it is only a small part of my whole being.
Day three of new medication and a dense fog has surrounded by brain. I slept for 12 hrs and woke up not refreshed or ready for the day ahead. Ugh. What I did experience was a leg cramp from my upper thigh into my knee beginning at about 7am.
Nice.
It feels as though one leg is shorter than the other now.
I still have a list to take care of and no motivation to carry it out.
It really is terrible to be this way and know that it is all part of finding the right mix of meds to combat this brain malfunction. I broke down and cried yesterday morning while I was getting dressed. The lights were just too bright and I was feeling so drugged up.
I order the Bipolar Workbook as advised by my counselor. I am looking forward to finding ways to cope when the shadows come over me…to accept that I am going to deal with illness for the rest of my life like a diabetic. At least diabetes is socally acceptable. Mental illness is not. I do not let many people into my world for this reason. Better for them to think that I have a sad way about me and nothing more.
I have take the needed steps to put my life back in order. This included an appt with the pill doc yesterday. I came in with a list of side effects and emotions. He listened and agreed that changing meds might be in order.
Later in the evening, I went to the first of a few counseling sessions. I trust Sandy. She helped me through a crisis a couple of years ago. Just going again was refreshing. There is work to be done.
I was once approached by another female and asked how I could not get jealous or upset watching my Dom with another. I simply told her that I was able to separate myself.
Presently this is not the case. I am struggling and have moments when I wish I had not given my blessing because I was lying and doing it for him. Triggers? Merely seeing her name online is one. Reading comments, seeing pictures, knowing that in the future I will have to get the fuck out of my house so she can come over.
Yes–it is that bad.Scratch, bite and scream! I cannot get through the day without being reminded–seeing her online, knowing he is talking to her and making plans. I remain hurt and angry not only at the other parties, but at myself. I was not honest and when I did speak up I was told I would be causing pain to her.
So when does my pain become more important?
A good night’s sleep can make a difference in my life. I reason better, I am able to clearly look objectively and shake off the Shadow.
I am better today.
Got a good article in my inbox this am. About the only thing I do is not travel through different time zones. I really do need to take better care of myself. Medication helps, but I must take on more responsibility for my overall well being. It is difficult with the battle in my thoughts to focus.
I called my pill doc and left a vm about meds needing to be tweeked again before Feb. I am seriously thinking about counseling to figure out those triggers which send me down.
I really do feel like emotional crap. Whether it is the med reduction, the hormones exacerbating the situtation, it is not simply going away or getting easier. I am angry, I am hurt and I am at a loss on how to move beyond. I cry and want to scream.
Monday, Jan 19th, 2009 — You have been dancing on the edge between the old and the new. The Sun’s entrance into intelligent Aquarius today propels you forward, but try not to get too giddy at the prospect of breaking free just yet. You might still be dragging a weight that anchors you to the status quo, even if you don’t realize it. Give it a few days and then reassess your position before bolting for the finish line.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
*George Carlin*
